Over the past several months, I’ve noticed a sneaky-little-emotion called Resentment. It tends to creep in and create unproductive thoughts, stopping me in my forward momentum, and keeps me from enjoying moments in life. What I’ve come to realize is that taking care of yourself no matter what is the only option. We need to get over this resistance and move forward! Maybe you have experienced similar areas of resistance in your life?
Resenting work
One major personal realization I’ve made lately is around my attitude of work. My whole life, I’ve repelled the idea of work. This started at an early age for me. Growing up with a father as a business owner, I was working full time at age 14. This was during he summers while everyone else was sitting at the pool talking about boys. I worked to support myself through high school, and worked and did sports teams in college.
It seemed like there was always work to be done, and never any time for me! While my dad had all kinds of reasons why this was a good thing for me, I resented it.
I’m sure it was valuable experience, and did get me further, faster, but it also left me feeling quite strange. Why were all these other kids getting to enjoy life, and have time off, and I was having to work so hard (as a child) to just live???
Looking at it now, I think this left me feeling unloved and like something was wrong with me. Winning approval from my father was like trying to impress a statue. No matter what I did or how hard I tried, there was no reaction. Somehow, in the end, I lumped all of these feelings of inadequacy into a pretty unhealthy attitude about having to take care of myself. I had to take care of myself, because nobody else would.
Resenting gender roles
Gender roles can become a confusing issue when taking care of ourselves. In many families, it is modeled that the male is more of the dominant provider while the woman tends to be more domestic and takes care of the family. Seeing this modeling growing up, I pretty much expected that at some point there would be a man in my life that would earn more than me and take care of things. (And I, in turn, would take care of him, the house, and domestics.)
I have always resented being a female. I don’t want the traditional life of husband, house, children, but on the flip-side, it seems so difficult to break into the work-world and be taken seriously by men. It seems like males always get the break, the better jobs, and the better salaries.
Even in business, I feel I’ve had to prove myself twice as hard because I am a female. I would think I’d be going to meet with a new client, and they just wanted to date me. Oftentimes I’ve been cast off as “just a girl” and once was asked by a former boss “Can’t you just sit there and look pretty?!?”
Resisting authority
Ever since I started teaching in Thailand, I’ve had to face massive negative thoughts and resistance. From my alarm clock, to my boss, to my thoughts in my head, I was pretty much cursing the world until about noon each day. This went on for about the first three months. Then, from a series of trying to just work through it and stop resisting, I was able to let it go and move past it. It was surprising and shocking for me to realize that I could be in such a peaceful place for the past five years (not having to deal with an alarm or boss), but the second I put myself in a position of a subordinate, I was completely freaking out!
I think I’ve never really had a “real job” with regular hours or bosses or expectations because it hit all my buttons from working as a kid.
Once something “went wrong” or someone pissed me off, I would quit. And then it was over. I think because I liked the ‘re-creating my life’ part, I saw the next thing as a new adventure, but still never really landed on anything till I started my business. It has been a struggle, to say the least, to get it going and running from abroad… and I am trying to make decisions that will help me stay on here longer. Teaching is a great way to get a work permit and earn some extra money while I build my business up over the next year. But it has helped me to realize the importance of accepting authority (rather than avoiding it) and realizing that the resisting it really has only gotten in my own way.
Resisting “what is”
I think I’ve focused most of my life on “Trying to create the perfect situation”. Recently I was hit with the brick on my head that it NOT All About Creating the Perfect Situation, but it is also about Accepting What Is. Maybe it is about a 50/ 50 split. You can partly create an ideal situation, but no situation is completely ideal. We all have to learn to just go along with life and handle our emotions as they come up.
Things are going to be unpredictable, hard, frustrating, annoying, not make sense, and piss you off. I think part of taking care of yourself is learning how to handle yourself in these situations. By becoming stronger and dealing with difficult situations (rather than avoiding them), you are actually taking better care of yourself. This was a BIG BIG BIG realization for me because it meant I don’t have to keep hopping around the globe re-creating some ideal scenario and then giving up (rather quickly) when it doesn’t “work out”. If I look back, honestly, I’ve been doing that since I was 16.
Taking Care of Yourself No Matter What
By no means have I mastered this one yet, but what I’ve found helpful so far is to Observe the Resentment. This has been an effective exercise in helping me to see past the illusions I’m creating, and look deeper at the root cause. Mostly, I’ve found out that these emotions fade, and I can be more enjoyable and productive if I face my resistance straight on. When I feel my teeth clenching, my body tensing, and my head on overdrive repeating “I HAVE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE”, I now meet it with a simple question… Why?
I continue to drill down and nearly every answer results in some sort of anxiety rooted in my childhood work situation. Maybe I’m crazy sitting there and talking to myself like a maniac, but, honestly, it works. I continue to ask myself why I am feeling (anxious, nervous, trapped, annoyed) and more times than not, I get some form of: because that’s what I felt as a kid and I hated it.
But why should what I felt as a child get in the way of my success as an adult?
Simply put, If I want to get beyond it, I have got to get over it. Letting go of old hurt and resistance frees up mental space and allows us to grow, so that’s what I’m going to do. I need to get over the resentment, because there is life beyond it.
That said, what are the areas of resistance in your life?
Are you holding on to any resentment that is keeping you stuck?
Thanks for your comments!!
